Newsfomercials

 by Luke Haines

J'accuse!

Call me a radical, but I'm starting to think that Fox News and its ilk might not be 100% healthy for people. 

 I'm kidding, of course, because sarcasm is sometimes the only way to face the awful truth of things. The internet is rife with stories and support groups dealing with those who have "lost" parents to Fox News, or One America.

 One that really stayed with me was the cable repair lady who was called to a home where the signal was out, and who eventually botched together a repair because the wife had pulled her to one side and explained, tearfully, that her husband needed to have Fox so that he could vent his rage at the screen instead of taking it out on her. [https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_5c0ea571e4b06484c9fd4c21/amp]

 Clearly, Fox News and its steroidal siblings in the social media conspiracy sphere, are doing monumental damage to people's minds. This usually leads to someone asking "How did we end up here?!", and a po-faced think piece. 

 But hey. This is me you're dealing with. Think pieces are for the sober and the qualified. Here's a take from someone who doesn't even know the meaning of the word "think."

 The start of the cancerous news culture we find ourselves in doesn't have its origins in rolling overage or tabloid headlines. In fact, it's nothing to do with news. It's about infomercials.

 Hear me out.

 I work a day job in a store that has an infomercial TV playing constantly. You learn to tune it out or else you risk permanent brain damage, but I have some sort of mental problem where I tend to listen when people talk. It's awful, but the other day I caught myself paying attention to a commercial I've been on the periphery of a thousand times before. It advertised some sort of towel that you wet and then put in the freezer. The moisture soaks into the fibres and freezes, and then you can take the towel with you and snap it to have an instantly cold towel.

 The thing that caught my attention was a line in the infomercial that said you could take the Freezy Snappy Towel (I didn't make a note of the actual name) with you when you went running. 

 "A normal towel would be bulky and slow you down," the voiceover explained. Which led me to the natural question: Who the hell is taking a full sized towel with them when they run?!

I realised that the basic job of infomercials is to create a problem that doesn't exist and then sell an impractical solution to the stupid. Nobody is actually running with a full sized towel, but the target demographic isn't runners - it's people who like to think they might one day take up exercise and who want to be prepared for an imaginary setback if they do.

 This is exactly how right wing news works. Sure, you've never met a Muslim, but you need to prevent them from enacting Sharia Law like they did in all the other countries you haven't visited, in the event that they show up. 

 With this in mind, I humbly present my Infomercial pitch for the political right. It's current, but really it's been playing everywhere for decades.

Has this ever happened to you? You live in a town that's dependent on a dying industry like coal, but you haven't got the education to do anything else?

 Introducing the new easy-to-adopt problem solver for every situation: Right Wing Politics! 

 

 Understanding economics can give anyone a headache, but why stress over big words like Neoliberalist Capitalism when you can blame all of your problems on people who don't look like you?!

 Do you feel like the government is letting you down? Do you feel like you aren't getting your fair share of the profits generated by your labour? Don't feel blue, just vote red! With easy to remember bogeymen like Socialists and SJWs, you'll never again have to worry who's actually screwing you over, or why you can't make ends meet in an allegedly wealthy country.

 Simple medications cost a fortune, but with Right Wing Politics you'll always be safe in the knowledge that socialised medicine is for foreigners, who you already know are bad! You might die slowly, but you'll at least die free!

 Ask your nearest bigot if Right Wing Politics might be right for you -  there's no barrier to entry, and you pay no money to join!*

 Scared of change? Feeling old? Right Wing Politics will roll back the clock until things are exactly like you think you remember them from your childhood, even though you don't! How do we do it? It doesn't matter! Just vote for the loudest and most reactionary candidate you can find, and if it's not some year between 1947 and 1970 again by next year, it's probably because of Marxists!

 What's a Marxist? You won't even know! There's no homework and no thinking required. Why learn or improve yourself when Right Wing Politics offers a range of candidates who are simple and plain spoken, just like you. Most importantly, they'll make sure that taxes are lowered on rich people, in case you ever become one!**

 Head on down to your next local or state level election and take up Right Wing Politics! Like the slogan says, if you don't feel better, it's someone else's fault! Vote now and we'll also allow you to complain about personal responsibility EVEN WHILE YOU BLAME EVERYONE ELSE! That's right, as an introductory offer, you can be as butt-hurt as you like about every tiny detail of modern living, and STILL call everyone else a snowflake!

 Right Wing Politics. Because the only way to progress is backwards.

Footnotes:

*You will end up paying a god damned FORTUNE in other ways, but never mind that now.

**You won't.  

About the author:

Luke Haines is a British writer based in Wales. You may see more of his work at: lukehaines85.medium.com 

He notes that he is "fond of saying that there ain't much you can't fix with duct tape and a hammer. This is one of sixty four separate reasons he is no longer a doctor."

The opinions expressed here are his own and may not reflect those of anyone else involved with this blog.